Tearing Him Down

by | Jun 23, 2016 | 10 comments

My husband is pretty great.  I don’t say that to brag or to put your spouse down, I say it because it’s true.  Even on days when I know I look my worst, he tells me how beautiful I am. When I have had a tough day at work, I will come home to dinner and foot massage. On his days off, he will sweep the floors, fold the laundry and clean up the house. Randomly he will send me text messages professing his love for me or encouraging me to keep my chin up. There have been days I go to get into my car, and he has place flowers in my seat. Some nights we just cuddle together and other nights we will horseplay until I am breathless with laughter.  He supports me in all my silly endeavors; he is constantly promoting my blog and encouraging me to follow my dreams.  Honestly, my husband is amazing!

I know my husband is pretty great and I will still talk bad about him. Click To Tweet

I know my husband is great, I know he is always there for me, and I know God put us together. Even with all that, I find myself accentuating the negative aspects of our relationship. We will have a disagreement and I will complain about him to my friends. It’s not just me that does it either. Women I barely know, women I just met, will trash talk their husbands.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

-Ephesians 4:29 (NIV), emphasis added

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

My job as a wife is to elevate my husband not talk down about or to him.  Not only my husband, but I should be elevating those around me too, but I find, more often than not, that wives (and husbands) will talk down about their spouses instead of focusing on the good things.  We are all human and we are all going to make mistakes and make our spouses unhappy at times.  When we focus on the negative, when we talk about the bad things, when we tear our spouses down, whether to their faces or to others, not only are we bringing our marriages closer to an end, but we are not doing as God has called in Ephesians.

The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

-Proverbs 18:21 (NIV), emphasis added

The tongue

Our words have the power of life and death.  If we are always speaking death, speaking negatively, about our spouses, then we are speaking death into our marriages and our marriages will fail.  If the only things I say about my husband are negative, then I am going to start seeing only the negative. Satan and his minions are going to ensure that I focus on the bad and not the good. I need to be deliberate about accentuating the positive aspect of my marriage not the negative. When I only focus on the bad, why would I want to stay with my husband and why would he want to stay with me?

I had a friend that would never say anything good about her husband. Every time I saw her she would tear him down and talk about how awful he was to the point that she would mention divorce every time she spoke about him. When I finally met him, all I could see about him were the negative aspects she had told me.

We are not building our husbands and wives up just for their benefit or just for the benefit of our marriage, but for the benefit of those around us as well.  Some might wonder why I stay with Zak if all I ever talk about are the bad moments. Also, if I can manage to speak life into my marriage, even in the midst of a bad moment, then think about those around me seeing Christ in my marriage.

I urge you, even if your marriage is having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, speak life into it and see what happens.  I believe that when you start focusing on the good and not the bad, your marriage will start to look better and better.  And once you begin, those around you are going to see Christ through your marriage as well.  They are going to see a marriage that looked rocky coming back together.

So if you find yourself constantly focusing on the negative aspects of your spouse, here are a few ways to decompress and shift your focus back to the positive.

  • Pray! Give the negative to God.  Don’t complain to God about your spouse, instead ask Him to put your focus on the positive.
  • Journal the positive. When you start writing the positive you are going to see the good in your marriage and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
  • Talk to your spouse. Not when your tearing at each other’s throats, but after you’ve had a chance to pray and calm down.  Talk about what’s bothering you, but also build them up.

These are just a few suggestions that work for me. There are other ways, but your first avenue should always be to go to God and pray.


This post was added to the link up at arabahjoy.com



  1. Thank you Grady, I think it’s something everyone should keep in mind.

  2. Our thoughts play a big part in how we respond to people around us. That verse is perfect for this post.

  3. What a timely post for me. I really needed the reminder not just about what I say about my hubby, but what I think about and my perspective. It’s so important to be focused on the good things and not get caught up in the bad. Philippians 4:8! 🙂

  4. It really is easier to build them up, and it makes us feel good too! What is a Titus 2 mentor? I’m intrigued.

  5. Early on in my marriage I had been blessed with a Titus 2 mentor for a short time but her words were a necessary seed of faith to always speak above reproach about my husband. Then later God sent a true friend who did just that in both word and action. It was refreshing, honestly. It is easier to build them up than to tear them down. We all need to remember that, not just in our marriages, but in all aspects of our life. But here, in our most sacred relationship, the one where Christ is the head, we need to make our words, our deeds, our thoughts line up with His for His glory. (1 Cor 10:31). 🙂 Great post!

  6. Michele that is so true!

  7. Elisabeth Elliot used to say that most of us would admit that about 80% of what our husbands do is fine, but then we spend all of our time focused on the other 20%. Thanks for this call to positive speech and the building up of our husbands!

  8. Kelly, I am so glad God’s word has spoken to you. I know that this is an issue in our society today, and I want us to change it one marriage at a time!

  9. Oh.my. You just stepped all over my toes! I am quick to verbalize the negative and diminish the positives. Thank you for the much-needed reminder to speak life! Visiting from Under the Tree.


  1. Guest Post: Tearing Him Down – Chicken With a Side of Bliss - […] Our first post comes from Caytee, who is the blogger behind Stars in the Dark! I am so excited…

Tearing Him Down

by | Jun 23, 2016 | 10 comments